The Heart Of Everything
by diamondpearl876
Summary: .collection of trc drabbles. 13: Subaru is well aware that he and Kamui would be fools to ask for justice.
1. Dark Blue

This is for my TRC drabbles, 300 words or less. Beware. I own nothing.

_[ ashura, fai x 255 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of death, blood, and violence ] _

Dark Blue

"Why d-does it h-hurt so much?" Fai manages to say as tears roll down his cheeks. His blue eyes are in pain, and he's afraid to open them again for fear of doing anything else wrong. His arms are in pain, are he doesn't know if he'll ever want to hold another book containing magic spells again. His legs are in pain, and he doesn't want to run, anyway, and instead he wants to fall. Everything is in pain, when all he had tried to do was use his magic and follow Ashura's careful instructions.

"Oh, Fai," Ashura says, bending down to embrace the small, trembling magician. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have asked so much of you so soon. Next time will be different, I promise."

They stay there like this, and Ashura doesn't make an attempt to wipe the useless tears away, as he knows it's not time for them to disappear. He'll allow Fai to cry, to whine, to fail--just for now, just until he's older and just until his own selfish wish is ready to be fulfilled. And then, Ashura knows, it will all change. He knows Fai will be powerful, because he'll perfect every spell and he won't allow the child to ever be able to heal, as it won't be needed, not ever. He'll make sure his blood is on Fai's hands, because that's where it deserves to be. When everything is said and done, he knows Fai will smile like he's done it a million times before.


	2. Happiness

I own nothing.

_[ fai x 277 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, spoilers for volumes 4 and 5 ] _

Happiness

In the country of Jade, Fai knew it was a possibility that twins were being kidnapped. Normally, his number one priority in any world would be to help find Sakura's feather, but this time, it was to make sure they returned to the town unharmed. He was determined to save them, no matter what it took.

Just as he expected, there had been a pair of twins inside the ruined castle, and when he saw them for the first time, his heart nearly broke. They were bruised and dirty and seemed to be lifeless as they had no control over their hearts or their minds.

_How long have they been down here?_ Fai asked himself as he went to rescue them from the spell they were put under. He made sure to carry both of them at once, because they must not be separated, never, ever.

_You're both going to be just fine_, Fai wanted to tell them, but he knew his words meant nothing until they were safe and sound and in the hands of their parents once again, smiling and laughing and crying over the fact that they were still alive.

_I know what it's like to lose a twin_, Fai thought to himself, and then wondered if he would've cared so much about the two children in his arms if that fact weren't true.

Before Fai and the others left for another world, the mage made sure to see the twins with the family they belonged with, to see them interact with each other and just simply enjoy being together again--because their happiness meant more to him than anything else in the universe.


	3. Ashes And Blood

I own nothing.

_[ kurogane/youou x fai/yuui x 332 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of blood ] _

Ashes And Blood

Sometimes, there is only a young, broken boy who's yearning and heartbroken and he tastes the blood in his mouth from trying so hard not to scream, not to truly curse the people in his country, because he wasn't like that, he really wasn't, but no one believed him.

There is only a boy whose name was forgotten years and years ago, a boy who had burned into ashes, taken on the identity of someone else, and watched those ashes scatter throughout the world, never to be recognized or remembered or cherished or loved.

There is only a boy who is too afraid to hold on to someone, anyone, for fear of being betrayed and thrown away once again, but he does it anyway, because it's the only chance he has.

There is no Fai D. Flowright. There is only Yuui.

Sometimes, there is only a young, determined boy who just wants everything in the world to be right again, to make sense again, and he wants to believe that trust and happiness exist, and he wants to find it through power, and nothing else.

There is only a boy who threw away his own name, too ashamed of who he was in his past life, because he believes he was weak and pathetic and useless because he could not protect those who were closest to him.

There is only a boy who needs someone to guide him along the right path, someone who isn't terrified to watch the blood fall onto his hands and watch the smiles creep upon his face, knowing he has won, that he is the victor.

There is no Kurogane. There is only Youou.

When the ashes and the blood combine, no explanations are needed. They know everything they need to know, and together, they use what was once believed to be forgotten forever to make an everlasting mark on the universe, proving to one another and everyone else that they also have a purpose, a destiny.


	4. King Of Contradictions

I own nothing.

_[ kurogane x fai x 168 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers ] _

King Of Contradictions

The two of them stare into the mirror, saying nothing and everything at once.

Fai's reflection isn't present, and it makes sense, because he's a vampire, after all, and vampires don't need one, for they live off of others, instead of living for themselves and everything they make themselves to be.

Or, maybe... they just don't deserve them.

Fai doesn't know, really. He never knows anything anymore, he realizes.

All he knows is that he's not there on the other side of that glass, and Kurogane is there, glaring at the mirror as if to scold it for rejecting something important to him, something that should be there, but isn't, and is. And he's grabbing onto nothing in the mirror, yet standing behind Fai and grabbing everything in reality to let him know that he's here, they're both here, and that's how it's going to be, forever and ever.

And Fai allows that to sink into his mind and be the truth, even though he knows it's not.


	5. Paint It Black

I own nothing.

_[ c!sakura, watanuki x 267 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers ] _

Paint It Black

This is real, Sakura knows. This is a dream as well, but she still has hope that this young man in this endless darkness can save her and her friends. There has to be a reason he's here with her, of all the places he could've gone to, and so she knows he has to be there for her and no one else.

She starts asking herself and the young man questions, all of which she receives an unacceptable answer to.

_Those eyes... Do they have magical powers just like Fai's?_

But his eyes are just as wide and alarmed as her own.

_Can you... use a sword properly, just like Kurogane can?_

But his arms are shaking, and she can tell he has no confidence, no determination.

_Would you be willing to run to various worlds with us, just as Mokona has done?_

But he looks as if he's ready to fall to his knees and never get back up.

_Can you... save us? Can you find a way to save us, just as Syaoran has tried to do since the very beginning?_

But she quickly realizes he's just like every other person they've met on their journey. He's stunned, inexperienced, ignorant, dubious. He's everything that Sakura isn't looking for, but still, she cries out to him.

_Please help us, somehow! Fai and Kurogane mean everything to each other and to me, and Syaoran... I love him, and I know you have something to do with him, so do something!_

But she's only answered with incoherent stammers and the desire to disappear from the young man.


	6. Phantasmagoria

I own nothing.

_[ kuroganexfai, yuuko x 172 words x rated pg-13 ]_

_[ character spoilers, swearing ] _

Phantasmagoria

Yuuko can see it all.

She can see their twisted, seemingly forbidden bond with each other.

And if anyone were to ask her about it, she wouldn't have to say much for them to understand.

_fai fai fai why are you holding back from me i don't have a fucking clue why--_

She could say one is always the second, and the other is always minutes behind.

_kuro-puu kuro-puu kuro-puu please don't look at me with those cold, pitiful eyes i can't take it--_

She could say one is always misunderstood, and the other is always the fortunate.

_fai fai fai where is your heart damnit because it's not with me--_

She could say one is always wearing a mask, and the other is always watching their own disguise burn, burn, burn.

_kurogane kurogane kurogane just stay away it's for the best please believe that--_

She could say one single word that defines it all--

_fai kurogane fai kurogane this is hitsuzen please understand--_

--and nothing more would need to be said.


	7. Bloodshed

I own nothing.

_[ kuroganexfai x 222 words x rated pg-13 ]_

_[ mentions of death, blood and violence ] _

Bloodshed

Kurogane has been surrounded by bloodshed all his life.

It is something he chooses to be around. The sight of death and blood is intoxicating, because he knows he's won, that he is above everyone else, that no one can ever get in his path successfully. The smell emanates for miles and miles. It warns others there is indeed a powerful enemy nearby that can and will destroy them with no hesitation. Kurogane also enjoys feeling their cold hands, and the blood that he causes, just to know it isn't his imagination--a dream that has no chance of being real.

As much as he likes the fighting and the victories, Kurogane knows he wouldn't be able to stand one person's death and blood and cold hands. Fai is too important to him, whether or not he knows it. Kurogane knows the mage can be saved, no matter how much Fai denies it. He can't stand how willingly the mage would give up his life just because he doesn't think there's any chance of redemption for him. There's so much for him to live for. Kurogane knows better than Fai himself that he has to live for Syaoran, for Sakura, for Mokona, for him...

He vows that he'll never have to witness Fai's lifeless eyes, his immobile body, and his frozen heart.


	8. If Only

I own nothing.

_[ yuui, fai x 301 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of death and violence ] _

If Only

Yuui knows he should not be alive.

There is someone far away, someone very dear to him, someone whose life was taken away unfairly, someone who only has a chance of existing again because of a mere feather placed in him. Yuui thinks that person should be him, thinks that person should be alive, but he's not, and Yuui hates himself for it. He claims his only reason for living is to revive this person, his brother, because Fai was the one who should have lived, not him.

Yuui knows at the end of every day that he's received nothing but pain and longing and that he's given nothing but fake smiles and forced laughter.

(If only the feather could have given Fai the right to live, so he could realize how it felt to bring joy to someone else's life instead of allowing him to be thrown from the tower to his death.)

Yuui knows he should be suffocating, losing air and breath and life.

(If only the feather could have touched Fai's heart and made it start instead of leaving him to wait for a miracle.)

Yuui knows he should not be moving at all, that he should be buried underground with no escape to the surface available to him.

(If only the feather could have given Fai the chance to move to the other existing worlds, to leave their ruined home instead of having him lie motionless in some kind of cage.)

Yuui knows he should not have the pleasure of traveling with people who actually make life worthwhile.

(If only the feather had turned back time, so that only Fai was born instead of having him believe he was a cursed child, when he really wasn't.)

Yuui knows he should not be alive.

(If only, if only.)


	9. Dreaming Of Screaming

I own nothing.

_[ kuroganextomoyo x 308 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of blood, death and violence ] _

Dreaming of Screaming

Often, Tomoyo would enter Kurogane's dreams, and each time, it would be the same.

There would be fighting. There would be blood and fallen men and swords and screaming. All of them would be attacking the same person, the same ninja that she saw every day. Every time Kurogane noticed her, his mouth would open in suprise, and he'd lose his focus, just for a second, and he'd be hit. Tomoyo would never panic, as it was a dream. He couldn't be hurt in dreams--not physically, anyway, but mentally, Tomoyo knew he was suffering every night she let these horrid nightmares continue. After Kurogane realized what happened, he would once again pay attention to the fight and would try even harder than before. He would move faster, his smile would grow wider and wider, and his eyes would perceive more and more with every glance he took of her. He would show no mercy whatsoever.

Somehow, Tomoyo wasn't surprised that this was what consumed his mind at night. Still, she couldn't help but frown and feel helpless, because she wanted to help him, as he could be so much better as a person. His life could be much more fulfilling than it was, but Kurogane was too stubborn to hear any of it.

Tomoyo knew this couldn't go on forever, despite what the ninja wanted. She would have to act on her plan soon, very soon, before Kurogane was too far gone, impossible to save. She thought her heart would crumble when she realized what the only choice was, but it was for the best, she knew. Tomoyo sighed heavily, a sigh that would always ring through Kurogane's ears and alert him of her disappointment, and she turned away before she could see the increasing determination form in his eyes. She knew what had to be done.


	10. For Your Ears Only

I own nothing.

_[ kuroganexfai x 219 words x rated g ]_

For Your Ears Only

Fai blurts it out loud one night.

Everything he says is meant for Kurogane, and Kurogane alone.

His words come from his heart, fast and true.

"I've seen both sides of you, when I only wanted to see one. I wanted to see the side of you that remained distant from me, the side of you that was not attached to me in any way. I didn't want the side that contained silly name calling, or the questions you asked pertaining to my pathetic actions. But when I looked at you, I always saw that side I didn't want. The other side of you was present, I knew. It was so very close, but still, I saw the other side when it didn't really exist anymore. Always, always, always, and I was afraid. But now, that side of you is all I see, and I'm... not afraid now. I'm not afraid of the bond we have anymore."

Fai takes a deep breath and he sees Kurogane's shocked expression turn into a grin. The mage can't help but smile. It's not forced. It's not fake, and he's not trying to live the time where he didn't smile at all as he tried so hard to put a permanent wall between them.

And Fai wouldn't have it any other way.


	11. Idiosyncrasy

I own nothing.

_[ kurogane x 322 words x rated pg-13 ]_

_[ character spoilers, swearing ] _

Idiosyncrasy

Those people back at his own home, they don't miss him. When they visit the place where they lost their protectors, they see a man and a woman who loved each other and those they defended, and they see that they've passed on, peacefully and without regret. They see no one and nothing else.

Kurogane is well aware of this, and sometimes, he doesn't think he can blame them. He had, after all, taken his father's prized sword and his mother's body and tried to take it all for himself, never to allow them to leave the world the way they should have. He had tried to take away every good deed his parents had done for their country, and act like it meant nothing at all to anyone else but him.

Selfish, he was. Permanently broken, he was, but still selfish. Not only that, but Kurogane was just a fucked up kid with fucked up visions consisting of life and death and power and blood to everyone else in his country, and he knows it now. He's not afraid to admit it, not anymore.

But now, Kurogane looks around and he sees a small, white creature he trusts above most others, and a boy who reminds him of himself when he was younger with his determination and his desire to become stronger. And he sees a young princess who's just waiting for her happily ever after, and a mage who brings out the best of him without even realizing it.

And well, Kurogane thinks that, even if the people from his country were right, he doesn't care. They would count on his parents for everything, never thinking for themselves, never tried to change their fate no matter how unfortunate they knew it would be. And, well, Kurogane was different then, and he still is.

At least Kurogane knows all the things that he wants.

And it's all the things he's got.


	12. The Life We Know

I own nothing.

_[ fai, chii x 232 words x rated pg-13 ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of death and suicide ] _

The Life We Know

Chii laughs because of supposedly interesting quirks and jokes that only she has the pleasure of knowing. I laugh because of how my own creation is still incapable of seeing right through me.

Chii cries because she's just a little bit too happy to be alive, to be with me, and I know this, as she tells me all of the time. I cry because it's the only way I can express my pain without having to explain the details to anyone.

Chii breathes because I force her to, and every second I keep her near me is another breath taken away, and one day, maybe she'll thank me for it. I breathe because there's simply no other choice, for if I try to stop, I know the desired outcome is impossible.

Chii touches because she thinks it's thrilling to have me jump at even the slightest feeling of her skin against mine. I touch just to remind myself that everything is still real.

Chii smiles because she has no dreadful memories, no nightmares to haunt her every night. I smile because she's the only one who makes me feel like I deserve everything in the world, when really, I know I don't.

Chii lives because she has the chance to have a life that others can only dream of. I live because there's just no way to take my own life.


	13. Vainglory

I own nothing.

_[ kamui, subaru x 569 words x rated pg ]_

_[ character spoilers, mentions of blood, death, and violence ] _

Vainglory

_i. redeem us from our solemn hour_

Subaru is well aware that he and Kamui would be fools to ask for justice.

"I'm not sorry for anything, and you shouldn't be, either," Kamui says when confronted about his cruel, careless, heartless actions.

Subaru says nothing, and only wishes that there was a way he could change his stubborn brother's mind.

_ii. was that really, truly you? was it just in my head?_

Subaru lies trapped in his cocoon, unable to move, unable to speak. He wonders how long he's been in this frozen, lifeless condition of his and he wants out now. He wants to know that happiness and faith and freedom still have a chance to exist in his life, and--

Something's not right.

Subaru hears the sound of flesh being torn, blood rising to the surface and being exposed for the world to see, and he prays that it's not caused by who he thinks, but it means nothing. It's Kamui who's being too cautious once again. It's Kamui who's bringing someone to the point where they have to say goodbye to everyone and everything they know when they're not anywhere near ready to.

You must not have a heart, have nothing in your chest if you're willing to take a life away from someone when you don't want anyone to take mine, Subaru thinks, because it's all that he can do.

_iii. how many nights have i wandered through the dark, trying to figure out the secrets of your non-existent heart?_

"I did what I had to, Subaru," Kamui explains.

"I should have been the one to give that magician the blood he needed to live."

"Like I said, no one will have your blood ever again, no matter what. I meant it then, and I mean it now."

"I can help take care of myself, too. I promise," Subaru says softly, placing his hand on Kamui's shoulder in reassurance.

"I don't think you quite understand," Kamui says sadly, ignoring Subaru's comment entirely. He removes Subaru's hand, and walks away in silence.

"Maybe I don't," Subaru whispers to no one in particular, Kamui's words stabbing at him like needles. He finds himself wishing that the increasingly tall walls of misunderstanding could just finally come crumbling down between them, because Subaru's tired of just knowing that he's waiting on a heartbeat that Kamui keeps insisting on possessing.

_iv. should we just hold our breaths and kill time, and hope something good comes of it?_

Subaru's just as anxious to get to the next world as Kamui is, but they need to stay for a little white longer, and one vampire isn't hearing any of it.

"How would you feel if I left you all alone without warning?" Subaru asks, trying to reach his brother without much hope. Still, he feels he has to try.

"You wouldn't do that. I don't have to worry."

"That's not the point."

"Well, I would be devastated," Kamui admits, "and I wouldn't have a purpose in life anymore if you were gone. But, I don't have to worry about that ever happening."

Subaru sighs, and says that they'll never find a true home anyway, so they can just relax, and that they shouldn't be in any hurry whatsoever. They can stay for those who had their lives changed forever and for the worst because of them.

"Fine. We will wait until they leave this world," Kamui says. "But, please know that I am always the home to your homeless heart."

Although Kamui's words sound sincere, Subaru has a hard time believing him.

_v. insanity is all around us_

"We would be fools to ask for justice after everything we've done for our own selfish reasons," Subaru states.

"Yes... Maybe you're right," Kamui admits.

Subaru looks at him in surprise, and grabs his brother's wrist, holding it tighter than he ever has before.

"Are you sure? Because I can feel your pulse, and it's racing, screaming the truth."


End file.
